“The richest people in the world look for and build networks, everyone else looks for work. Marinate on that for a minute.”Robert Kiyosaki (Author)
Part of great networking is getting people to like us. We determine who we like based on how we feel about them. How we feel about people is determined by our amygdala, the emotional part of our brain. The techniques I’m going to discuss in this post are designed with the human amygdala in mind. They’re proven to lower threat responses as well as raise feelings of safety. In my last post, The Fundamentals of Networking, I discussed some of the principles and attitudes that I use when going about expanding my network. This post will have more actionable and applicable knowledge in terms of networking effectively. This post is more tactics, last post was more strategy. If you’ve read my posts on studying, then you know that I believe if we know the principles then the tactics don’t matter too much. However, having the knowledge of some go-to tactics along with the knowledge of the principles sets us up nicely to be a high performer.
Networking properly is all about being able to influence the experience that others have of us. There are so many ways to go about this, but I’m just covering a few here.
Influencing the Experience
“Use what language you will, you can never say anything but what you are.”Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
We can only intentionally influence what we understand. So we can’t “trick” people into believing that we’re a certain kind of person that we’re not, we can only “trick” them into seeing more of ourselves. If we learn more about things we don’t know, or if we develop ourselves in a diverse fashion, we can influence people’s opinions on a deeper and broader level.
There are a few things we can control once we understand them. We can start with body language.
There have been numerous studies on communication and they’ve found that most human communication is nonverbal, about 93% of it in fact. 7% is focused on the actual words, which in my opinion, is the hardest part so that works out nicely.
Most of these nonverbal communication happens with our body language. For a large portion of human history, our survival depended on our abilities to be able to quickly pick up on what others are feeling. When we were hunted like the prey animal we are, we had to find ways to communicate faster and more efficiently than talking. It’s easier and quicker to know that something is dangerous by looking at someone’s face rather than waiting for them to tell us. We’ve evolved to pick up on, even the slightest, adjustments because we’ve needed it to survive for so long. This is why body language is such a huge portion of our communication.
Much of our body language is dictated by our amygdala. This is the emotional part of our brain and this part of our brain is almost too honest. If we can understand the language that our bodies use to express what’s going on in our emotional brain, then we can influence the experience that others have of us fairly easily. It’s so much easier to adjust your posture to communicate a message than say the perfect combination of words. As we know, most of the time people don’t react to what we say, but how we say it anyway.
I recommend checking out the book What Every Body is Saying by ex-FBI agent Joe Navarro. He talks about all the different things we do with our bodies and what they mean. A few of the ideas that I use almost every day are these:
- Our feet are the most honest part of our body. The direction they are pointing can give us an insight into what the person is genuinely feeling. For example, if someone wants to leave a conversation but they are being polite their feet will be pointing towards a way out or away from us. There are some exceptions, but this is typically the case. This knowledge helps us see what people really feel as well as control our bodies for the messages they could be giving off.
- Paying attention to pacifying behaviors – these are motions that people do to calm themselves down when they’re feeling anxious. This could be taping a leg, playing with their hair, fidgeting extra, and many other things. Notice when people are trying to calm themselves down and we can do what we can to help them out.
- When people are nervous or feel powerless their body will take up less physical space and move quickly. They will do things to make themselves feel smaller. A primitive attempt at hiding from a predator. On the other hand, people who are feeling confident and powerful will take up more space and move slower.
- People love seeing the palms of our hands. Showing our palms lets people subconsciously know that we’re not hiding anything and our intentions are pure. Conversely, hiding our hands makes people feel nervous and conceals our intentions.
There are so many other body language behaviors that we do and Navarro does a fantastic job in explaining each of these behaviors in his book. He even includes pictures to really drive the point home. One thing I have to mention about body language is that these movements have to be taken into consideration with the person’s baseline state. Maybe someone has a habit where they love to tap their leg and it doesn’t mean that they’re feeling anxious. We have to get a baseline when we first meet people before we start trying to interpret their body language. It’s much easier to understand people we know well than strangers off the street. Everyone is a little different and we have to keep that in mind or we’ll end up making some terrible assumptions.
Compassion & Verification
Once we understand what people are feeling, then we can use our compassion to guide our actions that verify their feelings. People need to be heard in the hearts and minds of others and providing this for people is invaluable and highly effective with connecting.
There have been numerous studies that have found that children who don’t receive compassion and verification develop much slower than children who do. They also have a tougher time creating and sustaining relationships. They develop hormonal imbalances and behavioral issues as well. While the developmental problems aren’t the same if an adult doesn’t receive compassion and verification, the need is still there. People seek compassion and verification constantly and use it as a way of staying sane. We use other people as a gauge to determine if what we see and think is “real.”
Because of this, I’m constantly giving people affirmations and letting them know that they are heard, understood, and empathized with (if appropriate). All it takes is saying “It seems like…” or “It sounds like…” in response to whatever they are saying.
Repeating what other people mean to say in conversations keeps everyone on the same page, is great for preventing arguments from spiraling out of control, and most importantly ensures that people feel heard and understood.
Most, but not all, networking happens in conversation. In my post, The Significance of Speech, I talk about how humans live at least half of their existence in the world of conversation. Understanding how to navigate this world is, not only crucial to networking, it’s crucial to living a life by design.
If we’re meeting someone for the first time and we aren’t familiar with them we’re most likely going to have to deal with small talk. I used to hate small talk, and I still kind of do, but it’s part of the game and it can be used to our benefit if we can do it intentionally.
Let’s get into why we even use small talk in the first place — it’s a way to gauge other people’s social skills, like a dance. When we’re in the small talk moment with someone, we’re testing to see if this person meshes with our interpretation of the world and they with us.
If we want to expand our network, we need to be able to show people that we’re worth engaging with relatively quickly.
A couple of tips I love to use when making small talk are these, I got them from ex-FBI terrorist negotiator, Chris Voss. If there’s anyone that can understand navigating a conversation, it’s this guy.
- Ask Calibrated Questions – asking what or how questions. Questions that start with the words “how” or “what”. They make people feel needed and they are more likely to cooperate when they feel like they have to provide information. Asking why questions (Why did you do this? Why did you do that?) makes people feel defensive, so avoid using them if possible.
- Mirror Them – just say the last three words of whatever they’re saying, if appropriate. This will bate them into talking more.
I didn’t think these small techniques would work, but they do. They work because they were designed with the amygdala in mind. We are attempting to communicate with the emotional part of the brain directly because people have less control over it. If we can get to the amygdala, everything else will follow.
Once we’ve proven ourselves, we have to keep the show going. Here are a few ways to never run out of things to say:
- Ask Open-Ended Questions – if we hit the right topic we can get someone going off for hours. This is optimal because people love sharing with others and providing a space for people to do that is invaluable.
- Make a Complimentary Cold Read – this is another great place to use “It seems like….” or “It looks like…”
- Bring up something that this situation reminds you of – this is a great way to spark something up when we have those moments of awkward silence.
- Put it on them – flip the script and let them be the one’s to talk, I love mirroring to do this
In conversations, be sure to let people know your goals and intentions if they like you they’ll tap their network to give you opportunities. People love connecting and sharing intentions gives people an opportunity to connect in different ways. Remember networking is also about connecting ideas or opportunities to people, not just people to people.
This is exactly how referral businesses work. Bob hires Joe to do a job. Joe does amazing and Bob remembers this later and mentions to her friend Sarah who also needs Jow’s services. Since Bob knows that Joe is trying to get more business, they are subconsciously looking for opportunities if they come up. Connecting people with opportunities. If we can build up a group of people who know who we are, then we start to develop a reputation.
Another fantastic great way to keep a conversation going is to become genuinely interested in others. Everyone is interesting if we ask the right questions. Genuinely wanting to discover someone, learning how and why they do certain things will develop natural curiosity.
I’ve always been fascinated by people’s stories, or at least their interpretation of their lives and how it’s impacted their thinking and decision making. Asking the next question is always easy when I’m coming from that place. It also gives me access to deeper connections with people because I ask questions that people don’t typically get asked. Although small talk has its place, I try to stay away from it and use genuine curiosity is my vehicle of choice.
Be Mindful of Criticism
“Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.”Dale Carnegie (How to Win Friends and Influence People)
I stole this idea from Carnegie’s book, but it’s also self-evident if you’ve had close relationships and something that I’m mindful of when talking to people, especially my students. People are already criticizing themselves. Criticizing them turns them off and damages our reputation with them. I find having compassion for others is a great way to hold your tongue. If I feel the urge to criticize someone, I try to keep in mind that they are doing exactly what I would do if I was in their situation. I try not to critique unless it’s warranted. People, more often than not, try to do the best they can with what they have at their disposal.
When networking we have to keep in mind that we’re dealing with emotional creatures, not logical ones. Paying attention to people’s feelings is a sure-fire way to connect. Being seen and heard in the hearts and minds of others is as necessary to us as food and water. When we pay attention to other’s emotions, then we’re able to see and hear them in our hearts and minds, which inevitably comes with a bit of compassion.
Now, I don’t want to say that all criticism is dangerous for networking. Sometimes it’s welcomed, even necessary. If someone is obviously having trouble, a gentle critique that helps a situation is likely to bring someone close to you. Solving other people’s problems is like a fast track to connection, especially if they don’t end up feeling like a fool.
Criticisms are only valid when a solution is offered in its place.
Any idiot can tear down a building. No one has ever erected a statue for a critic.
Empathy & Narcissism
The deepest principle of Human Nature is the craving to be appreciated.William James (1842 – 1910)
We all naturally have empathy but when we’re not using it to connect and understand other people, it fuels our narcissism. However, honing in on that empathy gives us a serious edge, especially in networking.
We’re all narcissistic on some level, some people further along on the spectrum than others. We needed to be if we wanted to survive infancy, our survival depended on us needing attention from others and those feelings never leave us as we get older. We need a certain level of narcissism to thrive, but it’s important to be able to get a handle on it too.
Human beings are inherently narcissistic but it’s not a bad thing. Narcissism is part of our human nature like how dogs go on walks, people think about themselves. Narcissism has a bad connotation, but it’s in our nature to think highly of ourselves and need admiration.
Seeing narcissism as part of our biological survival tool kit is much healthier than seeing it as a mental illness. Now some people do have a narcissistic personality disorder and that is a mental illness, but narcissism, in general, is a very human quality.
Getting upset at people for being narcissistic is like getting upset at a rock for being hard.
Keeping our narcissism in mind gives us a few advantages in conversation. We can make things all about them, especially in the beginning. This is a great way to get people to like us.
People love to feel important and according to Dr. John Dewey, people’s deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important.” If we can make people feel important, they will love us. The easiest way to do this is to give them a compliment, a genuine compliment.
The best compliments are on things that they are working really hard to improve.
For example, I work extremely hard on my blog and providing value to my students. A compliment like “Chris, your writing has absolutely changed how I see education” would mean way more to me than “Chris, I love your style.” Yeah, I put in some effort in my wardrobe, but I put at least 10x that in my writing so I’ll respond to the first compliment more positively and be more likely to believe it to be authentic. We can use our empathy to discover what other people really care to improve.
If we can make people feel sincerely important, then we can make them fall for us. However, what makes people feel important tells us a lot about their character. Be mindful of what kind of people you are complimenting. I recommend connecting with people who have similar values to you. For example, there are people who pretend they are invalid to force sympathy and feel important. If you are someone who values self-reliance and responsibility, it probably isn’t worth the effort to put the moves on this person because they probably won’t add value to your network. Yes, I am saying that some people are not worth connecting with from a networking perspective.
I brought this up earlier, but another great appeal to narcissism is to use the mirroring technique from ex-FBI terrorist negotiator Chris Voss. Just say the last three words of whatever they’re saying if it fits with the situation. This will bate people into diving deeper into the thought their already having while feeling accepted and heard. In his Masterclass, he talked about how he taught a guy the mirroring technique and he used it to get everyone to like him on his cruise ship. Mirroring makes people think we’re more interesting than we actually are.
We’re just showing people what they like, themselves.
Names are the Sweetest Sounds
In Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, he found that across cultures and languages people love to hear their names. No surprise, people are inherently narcissistic. When we hear our names, we feel recognized.
The sweetest word in any language is our own names.
My cousin Brian is one of the sweetest and caring people I know. He often gives his money and attention to those who are less fortunate. He told me about a homeless person who said one of the hardest things about being homeless is never hearing your name. The guy said he felt almost like less of a person because of it. So Brian makes an effort to get to know some homeless people’s names so they can hear it.
Hearing our names is a privilege, but it also makes us really happy.
One thing notable tidbit is that most people, especially in high-performing circles, know that saying names makes people like you so doing it too much or with bad taste could come off like brown-nosing. Be tasteful with your techniques, don’t come off like Andy Bernard from The Office.
Talk In Terms of Their Interests
One of the most impactful ideas I’ve ever read came from the book The Art of Communication by Thich Nhat Hanh. In order to communicate clearly and effectively, we have to meet them at their level of conversation regardless of who they are. It is our job to communicate in a way that others understand. Expecting people to conform to their listening to our preferred way of communicating is a losing strategy and will breed a ton of disappointment.
This is huge when it comes to dealing with my students. If I start using language they don’t easily understand, I’ll lose them and they’re more likely to dig their heels into the ground. People are also more open to new ideas when they can recognize something familiar in them. Whenever I’m talking to my students, I’m constantly looking for points of connection and similarity between what they know and what I am trying to teach them.
Being able to conform to all these different forms of communication makes us a better communicator but also more diverse and interesting to others. As time goes on, I start to see the beauty in those new topics too and they start to become like my interests.
There are a ton of other networking techniques out there. These are just a few to get started, like a jumping-off point. Networking is all about understanding that people are more alike than different and putting ourselves in other people’s shoes.
Networking is all about connecting. Connecting people to people, people to ideas, people to opportunities.
Removing obstacles to that connection and doing what we can to make it easier.