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2022 Yearly Review: Losing to Win

“The only real test of intelligence is if you get what you want out of life.” – Naval Ravikant

Every year I try to track my life through monthly themes.

The process is relatively simple – I pick two weaknesses that I feel like need to work on and I give those two themes a little more attention each month.

At the beginning and end of the month, I write down my thoughts on the process.

I started doing this halfway through 2019.

I did it completely in 2020.

I missed a few months in 2021.

I only managed to do two months in 2022.

Funny enough, I felt as if I ruined my yearly tradition by not reflecting…but that is something I felt last year as well. This is a pattern I fall into. I noticed this when I wrote the following passage:

A painful anxiety throughout the year was knowing that I was going through my days, my most valuable days, with very little reflection. Perhaps I practiced reflection more than the average person I interacted with, but no where near enough that myself or my family deserved. I knew that I would have to write a yearly reflection, but I did not have my themes. I felt like since I was not keeping up with my old structure, I had lost the ability to reflect upon the year. How silly. But such a real struggle for me.

The most useful part of reflection is noticing these patterns in me that are clearly delusional and self destructive. So I recognize the pattern and move forward. Keeping with the reflecting as much as I can with the intention to extract value where I can.

This year I lost heavily. I had to let go of many things in order to win in the ways that actually mattered.

This year felt like I was in The Monkey Trap.

I felt like the monkey who won’t let go of the banana even if it means freeing themselves from a trap.

I was caught up in holding on to my goals and beliefs so tightly that I was stuck in a trap of my own creation.

I’m grateful to say that I have learned the value of letting go of my previous desires to obtain the freedom to pursue new ones.

This year I didn’t blog, make music, content, exercise, build business, play video games nearly as much as I wanted to, but I was able to do something more.

I was able to be a father and a pillar in my community. Both of which require more than I believed I could provide.

I was upset when I saw my streaks dying, month after month of not creating, not dedicating my time to myself – but then I would have moments when I’m with my daughter and I can see her getting older and growing before my eyes.

I realized that those moments are the most valuable and no matter what I was pursuing. Any earthly goal that I could conceive would be just to reach these moments that I already have.

I felt guilt because I have not accrued mass wealth, but that would have just been to spend time with my children anyway.

So this post will be a way for me to reflect upon another just as eventful and meaningful year.

All journal entries are in italics and my comments from today follow CM:

January – Vision & Patience

Beginning of the Month:

I’m trying to reflect, but it’s hard to find time. Any time that I do have to myself is usually when I am extremely tired. I’m still “cursed” with my need to be productive, so I’ve been keeping any progress I make in my head. For example, I only had a few minutes to write this reflect so I did the majority of the “reflecting” while I was desperately trying to stay awake feeding my daughter. After all, most of writing is thinking. But that got me realizing, that I do not necessarily need to have dedicated time to work on a project, I just need to dedicate my thoughts to it. That is what I’m trying to practice with vision. I want to be better able to tap into my ability to create and sustain a vision. Perhaps this will be able to give me the progress I so desperately crave. As for patience, this is a common theme for me. I want everything done yesterday, I don’t know why. I want all my business ideas and creative projects to be finished. If I work on patience, I will find what I’m looking for. At least, that’s the plan. Last year, being patient was exactly what I needed to be. Despite patience being a frequent compliment that I receive, I don’t feel like I am a patient person at all.

CM: This was an omen for how the year was going to go. I definitely not not find the time to reflect for a large portion of this year and I felt it weighing on me every day. Interesting how many of the thoughts I had then are similar to the thoughts I have now. Perhaps lack of reflection keeps us stick in the same loops, until we realize our way out of them.

End of the Month:

It’s hard doing these themes without having the themes in my face on a regular basis. Usually, I would have the themes written on a whiteboard in my room so I could see them, but just holding them in Notion isn’t the business. I didn’t check my themes for the entire month and tbh I forgot about them. However, taking the time to think about the last month and how I’ve worked on my vision and patience has shown me that I haven’t fell off the path completely. I’d like to think I’m improving when it comes to my patience. When I’m at work, I’m more patient with my students and with myself too. Sometimes I trip, but I like to think I’m getting a little better. When it comes to vision, I think it’s interesting that I chose it because I had a hard time maintaining the bigger picture this last month. It’s like I knew that I was going to be caught up in the rise and grind of being a teacher intern while getting my masters while doing the EdTPAs. It’s been tough, but every now and again I remember the vision and I keep chugging a lot….because what else can I do. It’s okay to feel the way I’ve been as long as I remember that it is all in service to something greater.

CM: Oh, I’ve been done with my Master’s degree for a while and I forgot how bad the grind was. This was a tough time. Every minute had to be planned and executed perfectly or the “house of cards” would fall. I’m so happy to be past that now. I was hyper aware of my streaks and reflection habits dying. It’s a shame that it got the best of me. EdTPAs were trash and a half.

February – Resilience & Gratitude

Beginning of the Month:

This month I need to work on my resilience and gratitude. Manly because the thought of improving either seems sickening. Resilience because I’m entering an extremely tough portion of my program: I’m working on the EdTPAs, while teaching, while working on my masters, while being a relatively new father. Plus, it’s not like I’m just trying to do all of these things in a half assed sort of way, I’m trying to be bomb at all of these. (Maybe except the EdTPAs). As for gratitude, even thought I practice it every morning, it’s been tough to be grateful for my circumstances. I’m sure I need a perspective shift, but I also feel like that doesn’t take away from the burden and rigor of what I am going through. Nonetheless, I’m going to work on my gratitude and hope my misery lessens. Maybe this is all just what it’s like to be a student again. I feel like I’ve been in grad school long enough to lose sight of the “fun” to role-play a student and battle test my ideas. I’ve been able to learn a lot, but it’s also taking a toll on me physically and mentally.

CM: Definitely true. What is funny about this post is I had a few people ask how to better practice gratitude throughout the year. LOL.

End of the Month:

nothing written

CM: This was when I clearly hit my breaking point. I stopped pretty much everything that I believed was worth doing. I was able to do some things over the year, but February was when it primarily stopped. I guess I did improve both of these themes now that I am reflecting on them in December. Even though I may pay attention to my growth and development more than the average person, I did not feel as if it was enough for me to have net growth over the year in these specific domains.

Since years are much longer than 2 months and I had quiet a bit happen this year that I want to reflect on a few key moments that stick out when I think back on what influenced me most this year.


This year I had an event that distinctly marked my transformation from my role in my childhood family to father of my primary family.

It was painful, but necessary. The loss of one life, to gain a new and better life. Since this is a public post, I am not going to go in detail. However, it was extremely important for me to go through this time. It showed me the importance of a boy accepting his responsibility to protect, provide, and become a valuable man.

It was also an experience to live out the wisdom that I have recently learned. The specific story escapes me, but the archetypical biblical story of moving out of tyranny to get to the promise land is as real as can be. After escaping tyranny, one would expect to get to the promise land, but that isn’t the case. You end up in a desert. Upon faith and perseverance, you can find a path through the hostile and barren land into the promise land where you can enjoy everything you have prayed for in your darkest times.

As unlikely as that story seems true…it is. It was the narrative that got me through the desert and into my promise land.

In the desert, I effectively was separated from my daughter, fell into homelessness, all while still working on my degree.

These were some of the darkest and challenging times of my life. Unfortunately, that itself is an extremely loaded statement. I compromised on many of my values and had to act counterintuitive to my intentions in order to move out of this space. I had to let go of my previous beliefs in order to move forward. The Monkey Trap again.

Fortunately, we were able to find and rent an apartment to give us stable shelter until we were able to enter the relatively highly guarded world of homeownership. (This was not something I knew was going to happen until mid December) This was not by accident. The timing was remarkable, but it was also after years of preparing for this.

After this dark time, I was reunited with my daughter.

Never again will I be involuntarily separated from her. Since she was so young, when she saw me again, I could tell I was a stranger to her. That was a heartbreaking experiencing. Thankfully now, she sees me as her secondary caregiver and trusts me to protect her when surrounded by unknowns. The pain parents feel when they want to be with their children but cannot is excruciating. I cannot imagine losing a child permanently.

On a lighter note, I was able to go on my first work sponsored strip to San Diego to be trained as an AVID teacher.

This was super cool to see teachers developing themselves to be the best educators they can be. Most were like this, some where there because their school mandated them to be. During the training sessions, I realized that my insights and perspectives were valuable even to the teachers who have been around the block a few time (20+ years of experience). I could even see the educators who were there because they had to enjoyed my insights. More evidence that I need to share my thoughts. Training teachers is something I am capable of doing despite my minimal of formal experience.

This was also lovely because I got to develop deeper relationships with my co-workers and take my daughter to the city where her mother and I met. Seeing her by the rooftop poolside was a sight I would have worked my whole life to see.

I finished my Master’s degree in Education.

This was no doubt extremely difficult. If I was any less of the man, or scholar, that I see myself to be, I would not have been able to complete this. This moment meant a few different things to me.

I used it as an opportunity to share my accomplishments with others to see who would be happy for me when I win. The results were surprising to say the least. The people who knew me the least were happiest for me. The people who knew me the most could not have cared less. Shocking and painful. Despite the negative emotion, I noticed that may be why I do not care to celebrate my wins.

This was starkly obvious to me when my students asked me why I don’t hang my degrees in my room. The honest answer was because I learned to not care about my accomplishments. At least, not a petty Master’s degree in Education.

Despite the other insights, this was an important step in legitimizing my claim to disseminate educational information to the public. I know I don’t need a degree for that, but my super-ego says I do and hopefully this prevents any subconscious blockages.

First escrow fail, second escrow succeeded.

Pretty much this. We were in escrow for condo which fell through. That was heartbreaking. I also see why so many people get turned off by Real Estate. It was an ugly experience for me, but I know RE Investing can be extremely lucrative if I can get the system down right. The second escrow for a bigger and better house is going through and is a much better experience than the last.

After the first deal busted, I was ready to not enter homeownership for years, if not decades more. But, we kept faith and perseverance and now we are ending this year with a stark juxtaposition for the beginning.

A new year of develop relationships with students and sinking my teeth deeper into teaching.

As a second year teacher, I was nervous when the school year started because I had to start over making connections with all the students again. I found myself missing my classes from last year because the connections made the job palatable. This year, I’m discovering 160 new relationships and it is just as meaningful, fun, and challenging as last year.

This job renews every year. It is painful, but rewarding. I still frequently get gifts and complements which is so damn gratifying I can’t put words to it.

I had the wonderful privilege of starting an Investment club on campus where I teach students principles of personal finance and investing after school. This has created a community on campus that has improved the experience of many of the students who participate.

I was able to be a judge for the science and engineering fair. As lame as it might seem to work extra duty on a Friday, I found it to be an important experience for me. I needed to witness more proof that I am clearly in a different place in society. The fact that I was called upon for my science expertise is mind blowing to me. Although that is exactly what a chemistry teacher is in society, but to see that it can stretch beyond the classroom was important for me. Especially being on a journey to prove to myself that I can adequately provide useful and valuable information.

I had my first date with Kyra after becoming parents.

I cannot express the importance of date nights for two people who are rearing children. In order to be a good parent, one must be a good partner. Spending quality time to rediscover and tend to the flames that started the fire is crucial for a stable and happy family.

Plus it was a lot of fun living like we didn’t have kids for a bit. (Funny enough, we spend most of the night talking about our daughter). We didn’t do anything crazy. We just saw a lecture from a professor. Classic Chris and Kyra entertainment.

The discovery of a lifetime – ANOTHER baby girl is on the way.

Everything from my Becoming a Parent blog post, but X2.

How beautiful it is to be blessed with another daughter. Especially when she is the result of love. I am so excited for the privilege and honor of raising up another beautiful and strong woman for this world. Lord knows we need it. I’m so excited to meet my little girl.

However, this was another Monkey Trap. I realized that I had to lose my expectation of having a son. It’s becoming unlikely that I will have another kid and I confronted the fact that I was addicted to the pride I had in my name. I had to accept that the impact I have on the world does not have to be associated with the name Mukiibi.

While this may seem trivial to many, for me it was intense and difficult to let go. I had to untangle the idea that my pride in my family name was tied up with the love I had for my father and that this pride was a large motivational force in my life. This pride was far more responsible for the majority of my accomplishments than the other qualities that I believed I had. Entertaining the idea that Pride being one of the seven deadly sins, but also the source of many of my accomplishments was difficult. Realizing it was true made me want to vomit.

It’s becoming more likely than not that the name will not carry on. Realizing this loss made room for the love that I will need to properly father my newest daughter, but also allowed me to use virtue and intention as guiding stars for my future endeavors.


Despite the challenges of the year, this has been one to remember. This year was pivotal to my life and my development as well as my family. This was the year so many of my dreams seemed within my reach. I’m excited to see what 2023 will bring.

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On Becoming a Parent

“The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents.”

Carl Jung

“Happiness comes from suffering. There is no happiness in comfort.”

Fyodor Dostoevsky

In the last year, I had the fantastic privilege to undergo the transformation of a lifetime.

I became a parent.

When I found out I was going to be a father, I had a massive rush of emotions. At the time, I was absorbing as much information as I could so I could find something that resonnated with me.

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve felt like if I can’t find my feelings in something external to me, there is a chance I could be losing touch.

I also had this buzzing voice of anxiety in the back of my head saying “if I can’t capture this emotion, then I will ruin my child.” (The first of many transformations)

I desperately wanted to find something that explains what I was feeling, but I couldn’t.

Everything I found on parenting, from books to videos to people, didn’t quite explain what I was going through.

The clichès like “everything changes” or “it will never be the same” wasn’t enough for me. I needed something that fully captured my experiences, or at least pointed to them.

Becoming a parent is a transformation that so many people experience and probably the most important transformation of our lives. I was frustrated that I couldn’t find something that explains this widespread and significant experience.

So I do what I always do when I’m frustrated.

Create.

In high school if I was feeling a certain way and couldn’t find a song that expressed my feelings, then I could write one.

Today I couldn’t find an essay, book, lecture, or anything that captures my experience of becoming a parent.

So I am going to write it myself.

I’m hoping this post does a few things:

1) ensure my sanity

2) helps other people in the process of becoming a parent. I hope others can find themselves in my experience and discover that they aren’t alone.

3) gives my kid(s) some guidance if (God forbid) I cannot give it myself.

(Another of many transformations) I realized that all my actions help create a world that my children will inherit. It is critical that I share my lessons and experiences in a way that is relatively easy to understand so that they may spend their finite time and energy blazing new trails while standing on my shoulders rather than relearning and unlearning pathologies through trial and error.

This first section I wrote during Kyra’s pregnancy. They included my thoughts and lessons in an effort to track my transformation.

Before the Birth

All my life I put pressure on myself to be a better person especially for my unborn children.

That was a common axiom that underscored the majority of my motivations for as long as I can remember.

Every time I went through a terrible experience, I would think “my kids will never have to go through this.”

An experience I’m sure many people can sympathize with.

Coming to Terms with Limitations

I have just discovered I am becoming a parent, and for the first time, I realized that I am who I am.

The person who will raise my children is the person I am now, in all my glory and tragedy.

This was wildly uncomfortable, to say the least.

I realize that this is the same with my parents, all parents. They were equally as flawed and broken when they had me. Children tend to have high expectations of their parents, and view them as godlike, especially in their younger years.

But I see now that they are just people, who have become parents.

They, like all other parents, are human beings with dreams unrealized and unresolved trauma yet to be discovered.

I had to confront all of my ridiculous standards and insecurities, and admit they were ridiculous.

I had to accept that I was not where I wanted to be in life and there was a good chance that my parents weren’t either.

This has given me a new compassion and understanding for all parents.

Becoming a parent has been a massive coming to terms with my own flaws and limitations.

It’s painful to know that my child will have to endure my sins and share in a life that I, reluctantly admit, am not completely proud of.

This truth often brings me to tears.

This life, for better or worse, is both of ours now. So I will do my best to move forward with the proper attitude and congruent actions. I will strive to create a life that I am proud of and happy to share with my child.

For many years, I lived my life as if it is of little consequence and now I must confess, atone, and realize my potential. If I don’t, then it is my child I must answer to.

This is a game where I can’t pretend that I don’t care.

I do. Immensely.

Although this coming to terms with self is deep and intense, I have received wisdom, clarity, and compassion of equal or greater magnitude. I suspect, if a person is attentive and self-aware, then they’ll undergo a similar transformation upon becoming a parent.

Accepting Extreme Vulnerability

Part of this transformation is accepting vulnerability. This is vulnerability beyond any level that I have ever known. I knew it existed intellectually, but it is humbling to experience it for myself.

It’s difficult to accept this vulnerability, especially as a man. I’ve spent so much time and energy learning how to be “tough” and in the times that I grew up, that meant not being vulnerable.

Now, I must unlearn that nonsense and willingly accept that what I care most about in the world can be easily harmed.

I have to accept that I have an undeniable weak point.

When I was younger, I used to pretend like I didn’t care as a technique to limit vulnerability.

I tricked many people into thinking that I didn’t care about a lot of things, but most importantly, I tricked myself.

Now there’s no denying that I care. No hiding in the dark.

I have a theory that parents who abandon their children, specifically fathers, cannot accept this extreme vulnerability. The massive responsibility plays a role too, but I believe the vulnerability is more difficult to cope with.

It’s hard to welcome this feeling, but I must if I am to properly welcome my daughter.

I cannot both fully love my daughter and reject the vulnerability that comes with it.

The beginning of bonding starts with being vulnerable.

Accepting vulnerability makes you alive.

Unlocking New Levels of Will

I always had a sense that there was more that I had to offer than what I was already putting out. Most days I convinced myself that I was giving my all, but I always had a little voice that said I could do more.

Now I can say that that little voice was right.

I love breaking through self-perceived limitations, but becoming a parent gives me a whole new idea of what it means to push myself.

It has given me a new sense of what is possible.

It’s like in the hero’s journey, the hero must tap into a more profound strength that they didn’t know existed. Becoming a parent feels the same way.

No one will love this child as much as I do, and certainly, no one will sacrifice as much as I will for her.

Regardless, the tasks must be done which means they must be done by me.

No exceptions.

I feel like I captured my feelings relatively well in this journal entry that I wrote in February 2021, the month of discovery. I published this in my 2021 Yearly Review.

This month I was thrown for the biggest loop of my life and I lost sight of my themes for a while. Despite the turbulence, Leadership and Persistence have definitely been developed. The new information I got this month unlocked a new level of everything inside of me. While I was trying, half-assed I admit, to develop myself in leadership and persistence, this new jolt has given me everything I need to be an effective leader. Not just of a company, not just of my life, but of my family’s life as well. I’ve also learned how to push myself much further than my perceived capacities. I’ve accomplished things this month I never thought I could. Again I’ve been confronted with the impossible and again I contend with it. This time it is voluntary, and this time the stakes are high. In this case, I have accessed something much deeper than mere persistence. It’s like I have direct access to the fire of humanity inside myself. I am reborn. I was worried that I was going to lose my ability to write and be creative through the new changes, but now I see that staying connected to them in the midst of the chaos is what will enrich life further. I can see I am even more capable of what I was capable of before. It is almost like constraints allow us to access more of our potential, but only after a certain time. I don’t want to be too specific in this entry in case I make it public, but I’m happy with the developments I’ve made over the years and I’m excited to see where this takes me.

The bolded section of this entry really highlights what I was feeling at the moment.

Everyone has heard stories of mothers lifting entire cars to save their children.

Now I can see that those are not fairy tales, but testaments to the strength of the Human Will when fueled by the love for their children.

Excitment & Fear

I’m not sure which I feel the most. Excitement because I cannot wait to see and meet the combination of my love (Kyra) and myself. I desperately want to know which parts of each of us that she will manifest. I want to know her interests and personality. I want to know everything about her.

But at the same time.

I don’t want my life as a childless person to end. Honestly, I love only having to think about myself and I’m scared that I won’t be able to properly consider my daughter’s needs.

I’m worried that I won’t be enough for her. I’m worried that my blind spots are catastrophic and my trauma responses are unregulated. I’m worried that I won’t be able to properly provide and protect. I’m worried that she won’t let me love her.

I’m worried that I won’t be a good enough father.

I’ll flip between these two states multiple times per hour. It’s exhausting and vitalizing.

I don’t know which is more true but I do know that contrary experiences capture the complexity of the human-animal.

Pay Attention to Aims

If this experience has taught me anything, it’s that you get what aim for. To be frank, I didn’t feel like I was ready to have kids. (Looking back, I don’t think anyone feels ready to have kids. If they say they are, but don’t have kids or aren’t trying, then they probably can’t fathom the depths of their ignorance.)

I wouldn’t call my current lifestyle the ideal situation for having kids either.

But part of me wanted to have a family of my own more than anything in the entire world. I would say that the most honest and vulnerable part of me wanted this, and that’s what exactly I got.

If we’re honest enough, we can see that we make choices that lead us to where we want to go.

While I thought I believed I wanted a life of adventure, immense wealth, and travel, but my actions rarely depicted this.

I spent a ton of time developing my relationship with Kyra so that we can create a strong foundation to build a healthy and happy family. I spent even more time learning how to share ideas and becoming reliabile.

I’m sure if I was able to break down the hours of my life, I can see that I spent way more time watering this garden than anywhere else in my life. This is probably because the most authentic part of me was aiming for having a family of my own.

I learned to be extremely mindful of what I want and what my actions are working towards. If I’m not, then I get hit with “surprises.”

Funny enough, I would have many conversations with Kyra where I would complain that I was frustrated because the problems I had in my life weren’t “age-appropriate.” I certainly got what I was aiming for. Now I have all the “age-appropriate” problems I could ever ask for.

Looking back, I was so foolish for being upset about that.

The Death of The Boy

In order to become a good father, I must not be a boy. Like every young man, learning how to become a man has always been a high priority.

Now that I am a father, I have no excuse to act like a child…a boy.

The boy is not fit to be a father because he can only think of himself.

He cannot participate in asymmetrical relationships. Parenting, if anything at all, is an asymmetrical relationship.

I must voluntarily take on responsibilities.

I must be strong and formidable.

I must be reliable and trustworthy.

I must be honest, productive, and generous.

I must be selfless and patient.

A boy cannot properly take on this role without also causing destruction.

The first three days, in particular, were difficult. I felt the boy die within me and a rebirth of a new man take shape in my soul. This is as violent and majestic as a phoenix combusting and rising from the flames. I felt parts of my burn off and the tighter that I held on, the more it hurt.

I had to let go.

I had to accept that I was transforming, and it was permanent.

The death of Chris the Boy made room for Chris the Father.

Since I found out about the pregnancy, all the deadwood, so to speak, had to burn off. All the perceived ideas of who I am and who I want to be had to die. It’s not easy to let go of yourself, but in order to become a parent, it’s necessary. I’m sure this is partly why so many people, men, and women, cannot rise to the occasion.

Confronting Latent Insecurities and Fears

I feel like in order to transform I must overcome the challenge of becoming the worst parts of both of my parents, a fear that I’ve had for a long time.

I’ve seen many people mindlessly repeat the patterns they saw in their parents which produces the same results they had.

While my parents were far from the worst, they are plenty of things they did that I do not plan on repeating with my daughter. I’m not going to outline them here, but the generational trauma stops with me.

The Crushing Responsibility

I heard someone say that being a parent is a crushing responsibility, and in some ways it is.

But this is not a bad thing.

But one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned over the last few years is that responsibility gives life meaning. When we are responsible for something, we operate on a higher level. We become more resilient and can withstand conditions that would have otherwise ended us.

I have been given the privilege to take on the greatest responsibility, which comes with great access to my own inner strength, tenacity, compassion, and a richer experience of life.

This means I don’t have the luxury of wasting time anymore. I thought I didn’t waste time before the transformation, but now I really don’t. Wasting time makes everything infinitely more difficult with a child. It’s better to maximize what I have. Now I can viscerally feel every second go by. If that second is not properly used, then I am flooded by negative emotions.

While my hypersensitivity to time can be quite uncomfortable, this transformation taught me that we, as human beings, want and need to lift a heavy load. Perhaps I can even say a life that is easy to navigate is not one worth living.

Accepting the responsibility means that I am burdened with a certain set of problems, but set free from so many others. For the first time in my life, I am clear on what is important and what is not. Before the transformation, there was a lot up for debate. Nowadays, not so much.

After the Birth

These are some of the thoughts I recorded after my daughter was born.

Abusive Relationships and Parenting

I heard somewhere that being a parent of a newborn is like being in an abusive relationship. This is because people who are abusive are mentally infants.

I see many new parents who have a tough time dealing with non-reciprocal relationships, but I have been practicing non-reciprocal behavior for most of my life. I constantly felt as if I was giving more than I was getting and I learned to not let that breed resentment in me.

I learned to take on the perspective – if I’m not willing to do it without reciprocal behavior then I won’t do it.

This thought process has made becoming a parent manageable.

Attending to the needs of my newborn daughter is tough, but not unlike abusive relationships that I have had in the past. I must consistently minimize myself and repress my needs in order to meet the demands of the child.

In the past, this dynamic drove me crazy. This is appropriate because I wasn’t a parent. But now, I am not bothered at all by this dynamic because I know that it is appropriate for my daughter to act this way. She litereally is a child! However, it will be my responsibility to socialize her and makes sure she doesn’t act like this forever.

The Dark Side of Becoming a Parent

In the spirit of honesty, it’s not all nice. I was resentful of my need for security and sometimes I believed that having a kid was throwing my potential away. This was a belief that had to burn off quickly.

I realized it was a choice to believe things like that.

My mind can make up so many thoughts that aren’t necessarily true and I don’t have to believe them.

Honestly, it’s revitalizing to believe the contrary – becoming a parent is a goal that everyone should take seriously.

The darker side of becoming a parent is discovering how much a parent loves their child. Unfortunately, there are behaviors my parents committed that I cannot imagine repeating with my daughter.

Reflecting upon on much of my childhood, the question arises “How could a parent treat their child that way?” If they loved me as much as I love my daughter, how can they act that way?

Perhaps they experience the parent-child relationship differently.

Maybe I love my daughter more than they love me.

Maybe they are so unconscious, that they are living a life that they would not approve of.

Whatever the answer, I know I am afraid to find out.

These were questions I wondered often as a child but easily ignored. Now I think about them more often, even though I know it doesn’t do me much good.

One thing that is known, is that my parents primarily operated out of resentment.

I must be mindful of my resentments, especially so I do not accidentally project onto her. I need to be honest about when I feel like I do not want to fulfil my parental duties and deal with those feelings in a healthy way.

If I don’t, then I will create a world in which I will love her less.

The worst part is that no one else in the world will care for her like I do. This means I have to be extremely careful to notice when she does things that makes me dislike her.

If I can recognize those behaviors and stop them before they perpetuate, I can potentially limit the number of things she’ll do to make other people not like her.

This is not because I need the world to like my child.

It is because I want to world to open itself to my child and provide her with opportunities and allies.

If I cannot recognize when my child makes me dislike her, then I cannot help her regulate her behavior.

Children who cannot regulate themselves are quickly rejected from the communities and have a much more difficult experience of life.

Intense Magnification

Becoming a parent has accelerated the process of getting everything I want, but also magnifies the problems within myself. I feel as if the limits on life have been taken out. The happiness I can feel is more intense than what I felt before. The same can be said for suffering.

I’ve also noticed an increased tendency of being self-critical. I think it’s because I don’t want my unconscious pathologies to decide what my daugher’s life is. So I am incentivised to dig deep within myself to be better, be more.

I feel like I have a new access to emotions and a new understanding of asking for help. I used to never ask for help, but now I will let nothing get in the way of fulfilling my duties as a parent. Especially pride, which is a sin I frequently grapple with.

This magnification has also appeared in my relationship with Kyra, my daughters’ mother.

It feels like we are a family now.

We’re constantly improving and learning how to better cooperate and negotiate. Although that does not sound romantic, those are two critical pillars of our relationship and it is what keeps us growing stronger every day.

Mostly Positive Responses

Most people said congratulations, which could mean they either see me as fit to be a parent, or they feel compelled to congratulate me.

Either way this helps me feel like I could handle this, although approval from the masses isn’t a solid foundation.

I’ve become more aware of people’s judgement, or envy.

As sad as it is to say, some people aren’t genuinely happy for me when I share what probably is the best news in the world. I try to live my life by being around people who are on my team. I test that I like to use is sharing good news. If they’re happy for me, then they’re on my team. If they aren’t, then they’re jealous or a possible enemy.

This is a great time to know exactly who will be on my team.

I’m keeping my family close to allies, not enemies.

Constraints are Crucial

Many people see having children as synonymous with “sayin goodbye to freedom.”

Poor thinking.

Life already has constraints and we typically define our lives by our constraints, so I say that it is better to have constraints and a well defined life rather than not.

Yes, there are freedoms I’ve lost, but there are privledges that I have gained. I believe it is a great trade.

I Want Her to Grow Up

When my daughter looks at me, I can see so clearly what I want for her.

I want her to be excited to grow up and fulfill her potential.

I’ve seen too many adults that make me feel like growing up is dreadful.

Why is it dreadful to become more wise, knowledgeable, and capable?

Maybe because most adults don’t try to inspire. Perhaps she can.

Godwilling, I can be an example for her.

My Relationship with Time has Changed

Becoming a parent has taught me more about valuing my time, scheduling, storytelling, patience, and time management more than anything else ever could have.

Free time is an unbelievably powerful force. Having kids makes this clear.

I’ve written many parts of this essay in the middle of the night on my phone while I’m holding my daughter (because she won’t let us put her down)

-Currently she’s 8 weeks old and sleep from 6pm-12am if I’m lucky-

If I am awake I must USE the time, not spend it.

I wish I understood this to the level that I do now, but I know that I could have only reached this level of understanding through actually becoming a parent.

Becoming a parent is deeply discovering consequences. Everything has a cost, and parenting puts that right up in your face.

I have also channelled a greater capacity for patience.

There are times when I want things to speed up, but she is a reminder that nature takes it’s time and happens fast enough.

I remember wanting the pregnancy to speed up. Then I wanted the labor to speed up, and the infant stage, and the toddler stage.

I desperately want to see what my daughter will be like as an adult similarly to how I felt wanting my video game characters to be at full power.

I’ve learned that dropping that tendency and enjoying what I have in the moment is how I get what I will miss when we are older.

I’ve learned that I will get to those points in time, but right now is a moment to soak in as well. I think of this when she is screaming and crying, but also when we are playing.

So many parents tell me that they miss the days when their children were young. Hearing that gives me the patience to take a breath and enjoy the stage she is now.

The Great Hope

Once more, life is full of the genuine wonder and excitement that I once had as a kid.

Except now, the feelings aren’t as overwhelming. I notice that same curiosity of wondering what will actualize from new potential.

I’ve heard that becoming a parent is the opportunity to have the best relationship I could ever have in my life.

Ever.

I didn’t believe this to be true, but after spending time with my daughter I see that it is.

But I also know that it can be destroyed.

The love a child has for their parent is instinctual and as the adult, we can either foster it or destroy it.

I am aiming for the best relationship anyone can have with anyone.

So far so good.

Balancing Control

There’s a growing urdge to control the environment. I feel like if I can’t, then I feel like a bad person.

I had a higher tolerance to urdge before becoming a parent, but I’m not able to tolerate it as much as I used to.

Finding a balance of understanding how much I need to control the environment versus how much I need to control myself is difficult.

For me, becoming a parent puts me in a psychological position where I must play the “parent” role as referred to in Berne’s Games People Play. I felt like if I could not control the environment for my child, then I am a juvenile. As rediculous as that is to say, I could not shake the cognitive dissonance.

Over time I’ve learned, and am still learning, how to find that balance between controlling myself and controlling my environment.

New Relationship to Ambition

I’ve been thinking about the morality of ambition. I’ve always seen it as a good thing, but I feel like I am at a point in my life where being too ambitious is counterproductive.

For a while I wanted to so desperately cling to the systems and habits I previously built. As if those systems were me. I grew more upset every day that I missed my goals. I had to discover that I am working on the greatest project I have ever taken on and will ever take on – it’s imperfect but great.

All of the endeavours that I could ever undertake are not as important as this.

I want to keep aiming up, because that is something that I do believe is absolutely good.

But I don’t need to aim as high and as a result, I can dedicate more to being a better parent.

So In Love

There is no sweeter sound, no more infectious rhythm, than my daughter’s heartbeat.

I’m always thinking of her, especially when I’m not with her.

She get’s cooler every day.

Every day her movements are more and more refined. It’s astonishing.

All of her accomplishments make my heart sing. Ever single one. Even the small ones.

I’m happiest when I’m doing boring things with her like laying down or feeding her.

I love playing with her and helping her develop. There is nothing more gratifying and satisfying.

I was worried that I would get stuck with “some kid,” but she continues to impress me. She constantly reminds me that I am not dealing with “some kid,” but that she is someone who is so much likely that I cannot even begin to understand.

The best part is that she lets me love her. Admittedly, I was worried that I would love her so much and she would not care at all. That fear could not have been further from the truth. She lets me love her in a way that no one else can and that’s enough to bring a tear to my eye. Even at a young age, I can tell that our bond is strong.

Joining the Human Race

I wrote about this in my 2021 Yearly Review: Joining the Human Race. Becoming a parent has given me a compassion and love for the ineffectiveness and ineffcientness of humanity.

My engineering training has taught me to seek and destroy inefficiencies, but becoming a parent has taught me to love them.

Our inefficiencies hold the most joyful and gripping moments of life.

Humans are messy, slow, and riddled with mistakes. That’s what makes us human.

This is not a bad thing.

Do we need to strive to be better? Yes.

Do we need to see human error as wrong? Absolutely not.

Discovering this has given me a new perspective on dealing with people. This is a perspective that was difficult to genuinely believe before becoming a parent.

Children Bring Out the Best in Others

I had a student who brought a gun to school. Before I knew, he saw me in the hallway and asked me about my daughter. He genuinely wanted to know how she was. It felt as if he truly cared for her, perhaps he did.

I found out later that he was armed and he was expelled. He didn’t want to hurt anyone, he just want to look cool in front of his friends. Seek love and acceptance by providing value, not fear. The bottom line is…becoming a parent softens everyone.

Becoming a parent has helped me see the softer sides of all people. I get people smiling in my direction and walking near me as opposed to looking at me with suspicion or hostility. A stark contrast from my experience as a single 6 foot tall Black man, where I usually get the more defensive or hostile side of people.

We had a saying in healthcare: kids are the great equilaizor.

This meant that no matter who you are, seeing a sick or hurt kid will hit you emotionally.

That is true with just every day interactions. People love seeing children and they always bring out their loving side. Kids always level. the playing field.

It’s magical.

Rediscovering the World & Discovering the Future

Loving my child is like rediscovering the world.

Seeing her learn the simple things from using her hands to looking at shapes is amazing. I watched her look at nature for the first time and it was miraculous. I hope more experiences like this are to come. The world is interesting and full of life again.

Loving my child discovering the future.

The world I am leave behind needs to be better for her. She also needs to learn that she needs to do everything she can to make the world better as well.

For a long time, I lived for myself. For the first time, I see how I am just one part of something much bigger. I am part of the force that builds for the future. This means the choices I make are extremely important.

No More Room for Cowardice

There were many fears and insecurities that I had to confront while becoming a parent.

I could not let any of them stop me.

Fear and insecurities are excuses that people use to act like cowards.

When I am fulfilling my duties as a father, there is no insecurity. I am the security. I must become the security.

What is peculiar, is that I had so much insecurity when I would do things for myself. I was just letting myself be a coward. Because I could afford to.

No more.

Last Thoughts

Becoming a parent is both terrible and wonderful, much like the rest of the human experience.

However, I can say that the experience of becoming a parent is something that everyone should take seriously.

I have a theory that if someone were to strive to be the best parent they can be, then they will unlock the most rewarding game humans can play.

Becoming parents makes us human. It is what we are made to do.

Many modern people think otherwise because they have been tricked into thinking that there are other games to play that are more satisfying.

Becoming a parent is the best game we can play. It gives us access to the best experiences.

But only if we do it well.

Categories
Education Uncategorized

Why Education Matters

“A single day among the learned lasts longer than the longest life of the ignorant.”

Posidonius (135 BC – 51 BC)

When I was a little boy my parents taught me to highly value education because it can yield power, money, and a “good” life. But most importantly, value education because no one can take it away from you.

They taught me that my education was one of the most important investments I could ever make for myself.

Because no matter which path I chose, I must get educated. The musician’s education is in the stage. The baller’s education is on the court. The doctor’s education in the classroom and with patients.

As I got older, I saw that education is all of that and much much more.

Education is more than just memorizing y=mx+b or dates in a history class. Education is training yourself to take on a mission worth of your talents and inner greatness. It’s learning how to act when you come across something that you don’t understand or don’t want to do. It is, as far as I know, the key to freedom.

So I worked hard in school. I paid close attention. I took the AP and IB classes. I went to college. Majored in something practical. Graduated. I did what my teachers, counselors, and professors told me and my parents supported that. I wanted a great education and all of the things that came with it.

But when pop and circumstance faded out and everyone stopped comparing their post-college opportunities, a subtle disappointment shrouded the moment of reflection when I looked at my degree.

I felt like school has failed me and everyone else too. It was painful to admit, but getting the degree didn’t seem to help me prepare for the world. I was constantly presented with problems that I had no idea how to solve.

 School taught me nothing about:

  • how to apply for a mortgage
  • how to open up a 401(k) or Roth IRA
  • how to buy a car
  • how credit works
  • how to grocery shop
  • how to cook
  • how my own cognitive bias affects me
  • how to find good books
  • how to raise happy children
  • how to get to know myself
  • how to help family members struggling with money
  • how to cope with drug abuse
  • how to live purposefully
  • how to have honest conversations
  • how to be a professional
  • how to navigate our world in terms of the Internet
  • and so many other things!

I forreal could go one forever. I was so upset that I spent nearly two decades in school and came out with about 5 years worth of useful knowledge.

(Side note: while I felt like college didn’t provide me with a worthwhile education, it still grew me in ways that I would have never imagined and I’m so grateful for it. I was thrown in so many different situations [some crazier than most] and I had the opportunity to see the world from many different perspectives.)

I was so hurt when I realized that I was not let down by my teachers but by the momentum of my culture. I was set up for failure and the generation before me couldn’t have seen it coming and prepared me for it.

The world has been changing faster than any other time in human history and the people responsible for teaching me how to act properly had no idea how to do it.

They were responsible for teaching me something that they had no idea how to navigate themselves. Sounds like a lose-lose situation.

In their time, the way to success was through a formal education. While a formal education still has its value, there are many things to consider now with the change of times.

There is a fundamental flaw in the structure of our schools.

School schedules mimic the hours of a typical 9 to 5 job:

  • Start in the AM.
  • Take your 10 minute break roughly 2-3 hours in
  • Patiently wait for the arbitrarily divided units of time to pass….
  • Lunch around the 5th hour.
  • Continue to patiently wait for the arbitrarily divided units of time to pass…
  • Go home.
  • Repeat.

Why?

During the industrial revolution, the school systems were designed to educate as many people as possible in order to employ at the factories that were growing at massive rates. This meant the lil future factory workers got accustomed to their schedule early and were taught enough to function on an assembly line.

This system was effective, and it helped launch the United States of America into an even bigger revolution. There are many names for it (i.e. The Information Age, The Internet Revolution, The Age of The Internet Information Revolution), but what ever you want to call it, it is amazing. Today, not knowing something is a matter of choice. We have the ability to learn anything at any moment. We can know almost everything that everyone else knows. We have the ability to talk to anyone anywhere at anytime (for the most part). We can be anything and faster than ever.

The only problem (well, not the only problem) is that we have used the same educational system since the last revolution.

WE HAVE NOT UPDATED OUR EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM SINCE THE LAST TECHNOLOGICAL REVOLUTION.

I’m not a history buff, but I’m pretty sure it takes a while before revolutions come about and in that while, WE HAVE NOT UPDATED OUR EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM.

We need tools to deal with the new world and the new digital revolution. We need a way to teach adolescents how to build successful lives.

I believe that this responsibility fell onto the schools, but since they dropped the ball, the responsibility falls upon ourselves to go out and seek the education we need and deserve.

“The way you teach your kids to solve interesting problems is to give them interesting problems to solve. And then, don’t criticize them when they fail. Because kids aren’t stupid. If they get in trouble every time they try to solve an interesting problem, they’ll just go back to getting an A by memorizing what’s in the textbook. I spend an enormous amount of time with kids . . . I think that it’s a privilege to be able to look a trusting, energetic, smart 11-year-old in the eye and tell him the truth. And what we can say to that 11-year-old is: ‘I really don’t care how you did on your vocabulary test. I care about whether you have something to say.”

Seth Godin (1960 – )

Utilizing the resources at hand (a.k.a. the internet), I took it upon myself to fill in the gaps of my education in order to not just survive in the modern world, but to thrive in it.

Education is important but our current institutions are not fit in their current state to properly prepare the next generation to thrive.

Sooner or later, parents have to take responsibility for putting their kids into a system that is indebting them and teaching them to be cogs in an economy that doesn’t want cogs anymore. Parents get to decide…

Seth Godin (1960 – )
Jordan Peterson captures a few of the failings in the modern education systems. Starts around 2:23 ends at 5:08.

The truth is we are not going to change our schools overnight, and by no means am I suggesting for students to stop attending school. But, I believe the world and life can be an easier journey as long as we know how to deal with it.

School is an opportunity to train ourselves in the face of things we don’t want to do.

Why we do want to practice doing things we don’t want to do?

Because life is filled with those things. Ask anyone. It is so important to know ourselves as the type of people who can get things done, especially in tough times.

The road to anything worthwhile is filled with hurdles that you don’t want to jump.

˙ǝʌıʇɔǝdsɹǝd uı ǝƃuɐɥɔ ɐ ʇsnɾ ˙ʇɟıɥs ǝɯɐɹɟ ɐ s,ʇı

We should all aim to:

  • read well.
  • write well.
  • think critically.
  • develop our characters.
  • build our best selves.

But our education can’t stop there. I honestly believe everyone should go out and find their own education.

Be disciplined and curious. Don’t stop until you get an answer that satisfies your hunger.

It’s a difficult task but it’s a beautiful journey (and fun too) and I want to help you do that.

If we don’t know where to start we can look to all of the great works that our culture has considered to be great and form our own opinions. Writer, Seth Godin, gives two starting points:

I think we need to teach kids two things: 1) how to lead, and 2) how to solve interesting problems. Because the fact is, there are plenty of countries on Earth where there are people who are willing to be obedient and work harder for less money than us. So we cannot out-obedience the competition. Therefore, we have to out-lead or out-solve the other people. . . .

Seth Godin (1960 – )

It’s my dream that one day there will be actual programs and establishments to help guide youth from being good students to great leaders (I’m trying to build them). But until then, we must make the best of our situations and take charge of what we know.

We can turn this revolution into a second Enlightenment, or at least something similar, in the sense that everyone is synthesizing massive volumes of information and transforming the world for the better. I honestly believe that a person can accomplish what Leonardo da Vinci accomplished in his lifetime in less than 15 years with today’s resources.

But we use most of it for consumption. It’s really a damn shame. We have the means to create a beautiful new world in a way that has never been done before. I want everyone to bring out their inner da Vinci and I believe the way is through a proper education.

Everyone can be like da Vinci, but better. Education unlocks our potential and I hope my content can help at least one person see the true power of education.